Motivation: Everyone knows about quicksand, but has anyone ever tried to buy that shit?
Ad: This one is probably best served with some kind of pitchman. I'm thinking like a really gay booking agent from pittsburgh who is known for his expertise in carpentry (not needed for the ad, per se, but important for how he gets into character. Look, it's my call, I'm the director here). Anyway, he's all like "Quicksand you know you love it, but you'll need to need it!" And it should show a montage of people loving quicksand, like using it to dispose of trash, or riding on it with a surfboard, or wearing an explorer's uniform, struggling to stay alive, reaching for a vine placed just out of grasp.
Budget: If we buy the rights to Spiderman 3, we can probably just splice together clips of that sand monster and actors we find at the mall.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Ad for Air Conditioning
Motivation: The Earth gets hotter and people get fatter. Probably some other animals are getting fatter and hotter too, but they don't buy things (nb: fact check that). Anyway, there's probably only a good 3 or 4 years of electricity left so we might as well use some of it on keeping cool.
Ad: It's a hot summer afternoon in a New York apartment building. Three friends are sitting on the couch, watching television just sweating in out. There should be a close-up on one guy who's so hot that his eyes have rolled up into his head and he looks like he was just out performing some kind of voodoo ceremony in a car-wash. Anyway, they're all just waiting for organ failure when one of them changes channels and Van Morrison appears on the screen, singing lines from "Caravan" and eating entire sandwiches between phrases. The guys on the couch should probably say something like "Damn, he sure seems cool for a guy that looks like a singing chunk of pink Sculpty." At this point Van Morrison should stop singing and look right at them then, just like in the 20 seconds I've seen on youtube of VideoDrome, come through the tv set into the living room. Ice crystals should be forming on him. They're all like "why did you come through our tv Mr. Van Morisson." and he just cuts them off by singing into his mic so loud that the entire room turns to ice and there are penguins and stuff all over the place. Okay, that's just the first, like 30 or 40 seconds. It's revealed that the apartment is now an entire football stadium formed from van morrison's icy breath. The three guys are surrounded by 50,000 penguins, all cheering for more more more. The next two minutes of the ad are Morrison doing his dumb little kicks on stage while everyone, man and beast alike, just go nuts. There should be some sight gags too, like where a guy tries to order a beer and it's just a block of ice or like someone gets so cold he has to have his arm amputated.
Cut to the product shot: a brand new Trane air-conditioner designed & signed by mr. VM himself. fucking sweet, bragh.
Budget: Depending on how many songs you get Van Morrison to do, probably like 3 or 4 million bucks. If his songs are re-written to be about Trane-style air-conditioning, like in the go-phone ad, maybe a little less.
Ad: It's a hot summer afternoon in a New York apartment building. Three friends are sitting on the couch, watching television just sweating in out. There should be a close-up on one guy who's so hot that his eyes have rolled up into his head and he looks like he was just out performing some kind of voodoo ceremony in a car-wash. Anyway, they're all just waiting for organ failure when one of them changes channels and Van Morrison appears on the screen, singing lines from "Caravan" and eating entire sandwiches between phrases. The guys on the couch should probably say something like "Damn, he sure seems cool for a guy that looks like a singing chunk of pink Sculpty." At this point Van Morrison should stop singing and look right at them then, just like in the 20 seconds I've seen on youtube of VideoDrome, come through the tv set into the living room. Ice crystals should be forming on him. They're all like "why did you come through our tv Mr. Van Morisson." and he just cuts them off by singing into his mic so loud that the entire room turns to ice and there are penguins and stuff all over the place. Okay, that's just the first, like 30 or 40 seconds. It's revealed that the apartment is now an entire football stadium formed from van morrison's icy breath. The three guys are surrounded by 50,000 penguins, all cheering for more more more. The next two minutes of the ad are Morrison doing his dumb little kicks on stage while everyone, man and beast alike, just go nuts. There should be some sight gags too, like where a guy tries to order a beer and it's just a block of ice or like someone gets so cold he has to have his arm amputated.
Cut to the product shot: a brand new Trane air-conditioner designed & signed by mr. VM himself. fucking sweet, bragh.
Budget: Depending on how many songs you get Van Morrison to do, probably like 3 or 4 million bucks. If his songs are re-written to be about Trane-style air-conditioning, like in the go-phone ad, maybe a little less.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Ad for a Church
Motivation: Church is pretty dull but the alternative (H-E-YOU KNOW WHAT) is way worse. Apparently.
Ad: Open on a family at breakfast. The father is reading a paper labeled The Secular Times -- it's like the New York Times, only like everything is really secular. Like Marmaduke is a evolutionary biologist and the Family Circus characters are Unitarian. Anyway, the dad is reading this paper and his son is like "Hey dad, at school they are saying that kids that don't want to don't have to say the Lord's Prayer." And Dad just ignores him because the kid was an accident, like born out of wedlock (premarital sex). Anyway, the dad leaves to go to work and his next door neighbor, is like "Hey neighbor, didn't see you at church last week!" and the father is like "Sorry Ted, I realized i'd prefer not to spend my Sundays bored and then, later, eating donuts and drinking coffee with people I don't like." He laughs and drives away. He lives out the rest of his life without incident. He dies surrounded by loving family and a statue is erected downtown in his honor (he helped build a library). Years later, cut to hell. The father is burning and being raped by a demon while Ted and his family laugh and cheer from heaven.
Budget: $200,000 if hell is made from paper mache and the devil is just a guy we get from knocking on the side of a stall in a truck stop men's room.
Ad: Open on a family at breakfast. The father is reading a paper labeled The Secular Times -- it's like the New York Times, only like everything is really secular. Like Marmaduke is a evolutionary biologist and the Family Circus characters are Unitarian. Anyway, the dad is reading this paper and his son is like "Hey dad, at school they are saying that kids that don't want to don't have to say the Lord's Prayer." And Dad just ignores him because the kid was an accident, like born out of wedlock (premarital sex). Anyway, the dad leaves to go to work and his next door neighbor, is like "Hey neighbor, didn't see you at church last week!" and the father is like "Sorry Ted, I realized i'd prefer not to spend my Sundays bored and then, later, eating donuts and drinking coffee with people I don't like." He laughs and drives away. He lives out the rest of his life without incident. He dies surrounded by loving family and a statue is erected downtown in his honor (he helped build a library). Years later, cut to hell. The father is burning and being raped by a demon while Ted and his family laugh and cheer from heaven.
Budget: $200,000 if hell is made from paper mache and the devil is just a guy we get from knocking on the side of a stall in a truck stop men's room.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Ad for a Knee Brace
Motivation: Lots of people could probably use a knee brace.
Ad: Open on a ten-year-old kid playing basketball on hardtop. He runs past a defender and makes what should be an easy layup, but stopping short, grabbing his knee and falling over. The camera first focussing on his tears of pain, then panning to his clutched knee. The music of Satie begins as we fade to 25 years later, the child, now man, put on his knee brace and drains a bottle of powerade. He explodes into action on the court, literally playing ten to twenty minutes of intense, non-stop, YMCA league-quality basketball. Suddenly, the past is repeating itself: he has the ball, and the same defender he beat as a child stands in front of him. He manages the same break, but the defender isn't even worried, smirking at our hero's knee as steps into the same easy layup. But this time the knee holds -- with a defeaning heartbeat sound in the background, he conquers his fears (and "gears") and manages to score. Everyone on his team is cheering as the egg time rings announcing the end of the game. Back at the bench he drinks a couple more sport drinks as everyone starts talking about their jobs as junior executives. As he packs up, they all discuss the P/E of various stocks in their individual portfolios. With but a slight limp, he heads towards his car -- triumphant.
Budget: Everything will be shot with super-high-speed film so probably a cool 6 million. We'll just put a mustache on the kid that plays the defender to age him. This will run during the NBA finals too, so, like, double that.
Ad: Open on a ten-year-old kid playing basketball on hardtop. He runs past a defender and makes what should be an easy layup, but stopping short, grabbing his knee and falling over. The camera first focussing on his tears of pain, then panning to his clutched knee. The music of Satie begins as we fade to 25 years later, the child, now man, put on his knee brace and drains a bottle of powerade. He explodes into action on the court, literally playing ten to twenty minutes of intense, non-stop, YMCA league-quality basketball. Suddenly, the past is repeating itself: he has the ball, and the same defender he beat as a child stands in front of him. He manages the same break, but the defender isn't even worried, smirking at our hero's knee as steps into the same easy layup. But this time the knee holds -- with a defeaning heartbeat sound in the background, he conquers his fears (and "gears") and manages to score. Everyone on his team is cheering as the egg time rings announcing the end of the game. Back at the bench he drinks a couple more sport drinks as everyone starts talking about their jobs as junior executives. As he packs up, they all discuss the P/E of various stocks in their individual portfolios. With but a slight limp, he heads towards his car -- triumphant.
Budget: Everything will be shot with super-high-speed film so probably a cool 6 million. We'll just put a mustache on the kid that plays the defender to age him. This will run during the NBA finals too, so, like, double that.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Ad for Blood Services
Motivation: Everyone hates needles, but everyone loves vampires.
Ad: Standard give blood commercial at first, showing people who are like "Thanks for the blood! It saved my life!" And just when the viewer is so bored that they're about to go and serach ebay for a Tivo, a vampire comes on the screen. In his hilarious voice (think Count Chocula) he says "I'd be skin and bones without your blood blood blood! Now I'm so healthy I can almost see my reflection!" We then cut to a doctor who says, "Please, give this gift of blood." Then the vampire walks on and says "It's just a needle, people, and it hurts a lot less than this!" He then sinks his fangs into the neck of the doctor and both of them give a freeze-frame thumbs-up.
Budget: I'm not sure how much blood costs, I'll look into that. There are probably a lot of out of work vampires, though.
Ad: Standard give blood commercial at first, showing people who are like "Thanks for the blood! It saved my life!" And just when the viewer is so bored that they're about to go and serach ebay for a Tivo, a vampire comes on the screen. In his hilarious voice (think Count Chocula) he says "I'd be skin and bones without your blood blood blood! Now I'm so healthy I can almost see my reflection!" We then cut to a doctor who says, "Please, give this gift of blood." Then the vampire walks on and says "It's just a needle, people, and it hurts a lot less than this!" He then sinks his fangs into the neck of the doctor and both of them give a freeze-frame thumbs-up.
Budget: I'm not sure how much blood costs, I'll look into that. There are probably a lot of out of work vampires, though.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Ad for Batteries
Motivation: Batteries give us power and we'd probably be screwed with out them.
Ad: A little kid has just been given a pacemaker. The doctors warn him that, since batteries don't exist, he'll have to use an extension cord for the rest of his life. For a while things are great we see him running and playing with a giant bundle of cords unspooling as he tears around. The audience is probably all like, "Aw, things aren't so bad!" Then we see him run towards the swing set. hard cut to his body, shot from behind, swinging in the rain. His mother, half lit, screaming and crying in front of his lifeless body. Close with card: "Batteries: we need 'em"
Budget: Only 50 big ones if we can get a child actor with an extension cord pacemaker.
Ad: A little kid has just been given a pacemaker. The doctors warn him that, since batteries don't exist, he'll have to use an extension cord for the rest of his life. For a while things are great we see him running and playing with a giant bundle of cords unspooling as he tears around. The audience is probably all like, "Aw, things aren't so bad!" Then we see him run towards the swing set. hard cut to his body, shot from behind, swinging in the rain. His mother, half lit, screaming and crying in front of his lifeless body. Close with card: "Batteries: we need 'em"
Budget: Only 50 big ones if we can get a child actor with an extension cord pacemaker.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Ad for Milk
Motivation: Milk is good for you.
Ad: Black and white shots of a fascist society, with sad opera music as the background track. Streets filled with women and children lined up outside in the cold. At the front of the line is a formation of military guards standing at attention. In front of them an officer hands out cartons of milk to the waiting masses. A child, desperate for a drink, runs to the front of the line and grabs a carton. As the child runs away, he opens the milk and begins to drink it as the milk runs down his chin. A soldier quickly gives chase and strikes the child down. Scene of milk spilling out of the carton onto the street, colour fades in, a stream of blood connects with the spilled milk… Cut to text “Got Milk?”
Budget: This is an artistic statement on society, so it is not about the money.
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